right now my soul is wavering
i just want it to all be over
as i sit here and cry
you can never understand the pain
the pain of knowing what i know
the future is uncertain,
and all i feel is empty
how can someone who has so much to feel
feel so little?
and so the ride continues.
no baby in the future
no trip with my husband
the reality is bleak
and my stomach is ill
my head is spinning and
my heart is aching
the hurt my step kids are feeling
the trauma they are facing
the stability is gone
the money has run out
and yet we fight
we fight for their rights-
to not be caged
to not be hurt
to have a sense of peace
no one listens to their voices
they say they want to help
but they don't
to serve and protect is no longer
their motto
and all is just circles running
in our heads
what to do next
children are frustrated
parents are worried
the safty net returns the children
over and over again
no one listens to their pain
all i hear is my heart thumping
in my ears
my hands can't hold things
they shake with worry
and as for me...
i long for the lives of others
where your worries are of paying the rent
or being on time
where you have freedom to choose
to go on a vacation with you partner
or try to expand your family
have a date with your best friend
and talk about fun things
i long for those things..
that life...
just when i feel like my stomach is sick
and i want off the roller coaster
i am put back on with my boxing gloves
at hand
and told 'just do it again, your almost there'
i have come so close to the life i wish for
only to have it ripped from my white knuckled grip
my testimony is withering away from defeat
my marriage is strong from trials
weak from struggles
my lungs feel as though i am being held under water
our voices have been taken
and our nerves frazzled
you ask what is wrong...
this is what is wrong...
i need hope for a better outcome
strength for a stronger will and
faith faith faith
tears have to end at some point
for things i long for
i'm drowning in a pool of pain
and our life is suffering for it
positive thoughts are what we need
positive words
positive actions
positive outcomes
those are what we need
so pray with me
fast with me
pray for all the children
that they will be helped
someone throw out the life vest
pull us out of the ring
give me air in my lungs
pull the plug on the coaster
i want off
we all want off
6 comments:
Torrie...that is a very sad poem. Can I do anything for you? Makes my heart sad that you are having a rough time.
If I could take over for awhile and just let your heart take a break, you know I would. We all know that you and John, more than anyone, could use a vacation just so you can have the courage to do it again. I know you know that the fight is more than worth it but everyone has a point when they feel like breaking. I want to be encouraging tho so here are a few quotes -I hope they help. If not chuck them out but you know I Love you so much. You absolutely are in our prayers.
"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."
~ Groucho Marx
"The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground. "
~ Unknown
"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. "
~ Jack Kerouac
"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."
~ Unknown
"When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' "
~ Unknown
"Saints are sinners who kept on going."
~ Robert Louis Stevenson
I could see how that writing was theraputic, as much as possible at this time. The way you were able to spill out all the troubles and then try to talk about hope and finding the light in this situation. I'm sorry that I can't pass on some of my life to you so that you don't have to worry about so many things.
I'm going to quote too, I loved the ones Rebecca shared, but this one is from Garth Brooks -- the great country singing philosopher -- because as I was writing this song came into my head:
"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
torrie, my heart is breaking for you.
i'm praying that you'll find some peace soon.
and hopefully i'll be home next time the kids are in the backyard...
I LOVE YOU TORRIE!! I cannot begin to understand what you are going through, but I must say that you are someone whom I have always admired and thought very highly of. Just remember that Heavenly Father never gives us trials that we cannot overcome, though at times it may seem like there is no happy ending in sight. I am praying for you, and really want to see you soon...I miss you tons!!!
mom that was so sad! =(
when i come downstairs in just a sec you will see that i was just crying. ive managed to stop now and so yeah....
grammas quote: "dont ever give up because god will be with you protecting you the whole time."
i just think of that now whenever i feel like im about to give up and surrender.
i love you mom! <3 (thats a heart)
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