empty

right now my soul is wavering
i just want it to all be over
as i sit here and cry
you can never understand the pain
the pain of knowing what i know
the future is uncertain,
and all i feel is empty
how can someone who has so much to feel
feel so little?

and so the ride continues.

no baby in the future
no trip with my husband
the reality is bleak
and my stomach is ill
my head is spinning and
my heart is aching

the hurt my step kids are feeling
the trauma they are facing
the stability is gone
the money has run out
and yet we fight

we fight for their rights-
to not be caged
to not be hurt
to have a sense of peace
no one listens to their voices
they say they want to help
but they don't
to serve and protect is no longer
their motto
and all is just circles running
in our heads
what to do next

children are frustrated
parents are worried
the safty net returns the children
over and over again
no one listens to their pain
all i hear is my heart thumping
in my ears
my hands can't hold things
they shake with worry

and as for me...
i long for the lives of others
where your worries are of paying the rent
or being on time
where you have freedom to choose
to go on a vacation with you partner
or try to expand your family
have a date with your best friend
and talk about fun things
i long for those things..
that life...

just when i feel like my stomach is sick
and i want off the roller coaster
i am put back on with my boxing gloves
at hand
and told 'just do it again, your almost there'
i have come so close to the life i wish for
only to have it ripped from my white knuckled grip

my testimony is withering away from defeat
my marriage is strong from trials
weak from struggles
my lungs feel as though i am being held under water
our voices have been taken
and our nerves frazzled

you ask what is wrong...
this is what is wrong...
i need hope for a better outcome
strength for a stronger will and
faith faith faith
tears have to end at some point
for things i long for
i'm drowning in a pool of pain
and our life is suffering for it

positive thoughts are what we need
positive words
positive actions
positive outcomes
those are what we need
so pray with me
fast with me
pray for all the children
that they will be helped

someone throw out the life vest
pull us out of the ring
give me air in my lungs
pull the plug on the coaster
i want off
we all want off

proooon boxman video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3jDOGmm1IA

Check it out!~ my kids on Youtube!

{my kids the one on the right}

Super Sized!

I don't remember exactly when it happened...

I looked around at what needed to be put away and I thought
" Good thing I have a business membership to the warehouses around here!" and then I thought how long it's been since I just 'went grocery shopping' you know like at a regular store.



But our average shopping trip looks like this:

3 bags of dog food at one time {they had a coupon for $6 off our kind so I'll get 9 more bags}

6 loaves of whole grain bread
1 veggie tray
1 container of pineapple pre sliced
1 tray salami
2 double packs of turkey
2 packs Tillamook sliced cheese
1 5lb bag Tillamook shredded cheese
60 pack of tortillas {great for homemade tortilla chips}
4 lb box strawberries
2 bags frozen chicken tenderloins
2 bunches bananas- one ripe batch and one on the green side
4 containers of natural peanut butter
9 pack danishes or 12 pack muffins
24 bagels
3lb cream cheese
6 gallons 2%
2 1/2 gallons Wilcox chocolate milk
3lb bag Mexican blend cheese
Costco granola- a favorite in our house
1 gallon simply orange
bag of 3 cantaloupes
2 bags Parisian salad mix
2 liters shampoo for the kids
1 liter conditioner
lever 2000 soap
36 count t.p
12 count paper towels
1 case go- gurt
5 lb bag mini carrots
20 lb potatoes
soft soap refill
hand sanitizer
bucket of cat litter
bag of cat food
cases of soda- always one case of diet coke, and maybe some Dr. pepper

last but not least...



a magazine for me { if i find one i don't already get!}
and a berry smoothie for the kid{s} that helped push around 2 carts or one flat bed with their mom!

I have a new fridge that is larger than normal, and now I think it needs to move out to the garage as an over flow fridge and I need to get one of those restaurant size double fridges!

"cough you" that's what Shilo says

So the illness has a name-
It's Bronchitis!
Yuck!
There goes my plans for staying in the Condos @ Birch Bay. { & making a run into Canada for some Bigg Wigg}
Maybe in the next few weeks we can go
Thank goodness for Codeine cough med.
Blessed are the ones who invented the Albuterol Inhaler to help w/ the wheezing!

Pranksters & Jokers

#8 on the list of All Time Best April Fools Jokes: The Left-Handed Whopper In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."



Another April Fact:
April ranked 319 out of 1,000 in 2006 on the list of frequently used baby names compiled by the Social Security Administration.
Happy April Fools Day!



#10: Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity In 1976 the British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth's own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.
This is one of John favorite jokes- you have to be a real FOOL to believe this prank!

Super Dad & Stevens Pass

John took 5 kids to Stevens Pass to Ski and Snowboard
All by himself! {I don't like to be cold and I had to work} Our 4 and Al's friend as an early Birthday present for Alex's 14th!




Shilo had the CUTEST skis EVER! They were pink and said princess on them! Apparently she did really well! And she has been asking to go back every day since then. Once again, I don't ski but John described the conditions to be like 'skiing on peanut butter', i guess it's a little late in the season to be out there but they had fun anyway.


Chastin mastering the Bunny hill

Shilo learning with Jordan

Jordan has been lucky enough to go skiing in Whistler BC in the last month and then go again with her dad to Stevens. She prefers to Snow Board, but is happy to help John teach the little ones the ropes to skiing.
John took Shilo on the Bunny hills at first, but she was soon bored with that and begged for more speed.
Chastin on the other hand is a little more reserved and would have been perfectly content to ski the bunny hill all day, but alas, John and Jordan got him to the top of the ski lift. He quite enjoyed it after all. He has been on the lifts before, but now he wasn't the littlest any more. Shilo was, and she needed more help. John decided long ago that when each kids turns 4 they learn to ski with him. I think it's really cool; one of those things that kids do with just their dad.



This is my favorite picture from the whole day....
It's Jordan's Snow Board and Chastin's Ski resting on top of it as the two of them ride the lift to the top. It just shows exactly how their relationship is. She is there for him to lean on.

Jordan lugged around her camera all day and took pictures for me, she knows how much I love to have pictures of special days and of the kids firsts. Different firsts for each kid.
Alex's first time Snow Boarding with a friend and being trusted enough to not get lost
Jordan's first time teaching her siblings a valuable lesson in 'no fear'. Because she had to be behind the camera, there are very few pics of her:(
Chastin's first time skiing with out me being there to help him stand when he falls
Shilo's first time skiing-ever!

I'm cough n' runnin'

Coughing a TON and off to Oregon to visit Great grandma Margaret!
I can't pass up the chance to see her and all of my families up and ditched me, so at this hour I have decided that the kids and I will take off A.S.A.P in the morning. Sounds like fun right?
One nanny mom is worried about my health, one worried grandma, and one skeptical husband, but if I'm too miserable we'll just come home early...no harm done.
Hope you all have a good spring break too!

p.s- i won't be forgeting the NyQuil:)
Bye!