life

While I see everyone else as happy, and having a nice three day weekend with their families, I have to stay home, in bed and let my meds take over. I am having a miscarriage. Once again I feel defeated. I feel alone, even though I know I'm not. I thought after the last babies death, there is no way this could happen to me again. The doctors did say that this was a possibility, so I was a little more cautious. I have to say that this time it is different. I was closely monitored, weekly ultrasounds, two times a week blood tests, and a doctors appointment every week. Yet all things to no avail. I am yet again left with the empty feeling of what was to be.The good news is that this time we found out eight weeks into the pregnancy, not 22 weeks. I didn't tell Chastin or Shilo so I could hopefully save them some hurt. They just know that I wasn't feeling well and that the doctors are making my stomach and fever feel better. It is easier this way I have to say, still not any fun, but easier to handle. I got to come home after the doctors, change into pj's (my favorite things on earth) take my pills to help with the process, and go to sleep (another one of my favorite things).

This is not a sympathy post. So I hope it doesn't come across that way.

A whopping thirty percent of pregnancy's and in miscarriage. That's a ton.

I wish people didn't have to go through this. I feel bad, like this is what our bodies are meant to do, so why does it sometimes not work. Why can some never have children, why can some have children and then not be able to have any more? How is it that some just think of getting pregnant and do, how do some just float through pregnancy time after time. Like my friend Evian, seven kids- no problemo.My house cleaner too- seven, no problem.

The pharmacist who gave me my prescriptions was so understanding, she knew what the medications were for and started to cry. She could feel my pain. It was if I didn't even need to say anything she just understood.

She told me she had had a similar experience, two miscarriages, then the birth of her two kids. And she had the most amazingly soothing voice, she touched my heart. There are perfect strangers out there who really do care. She told me about what to expect from the drugs because she had gone through this herself. I was truly thankful for her courage.

She could have kept to herself; I'm glad she didn't.

I am sorry to Paige that I can't come meet Sommer yet,
Sorry to Lauren for having a stranger call you about teaching 30 min. meals,
Sorry to the people I work for, for canceling on them on Friday after we had been to the doctors office and got our news,
Sorry to all you who aren't going to get through when you call- all ringers are off.
Sorry to my two sisters in law, I hope that I didn't ruin your weekends, I know you had fun things planned to do with your families, and I didn't want you to worry about us all weekend.
I am thankful to Emily for taking my kids on short notice even though it was her birthday.
Thank you to my mom in law for feeding us, keeping the kids whenever we needed and telling me her story of miscarriage.
Thank you to Sarah, my specialist, who prepared me for the news two weeks in advance, then shared her story with me on Friday.
Thank you to my husband- words can't describe how thankful I am to have your support and love through this again.I know it's hard on you too, and you tend to be forgotten during times like this.

The strangest thing about this whole deal is that I wasn't even trying to get pregnant, but isn't it funny how once you are, you really want it. So my father in law, who is by far one of the best men I have ever had the privilege of knowing always knows how to make me smile. He says to me about a week or so ago, "well you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. So you better plan on going back to get the baby around mid April" I still just smile thinking about that. Maybe what happens in Vegas really does stay in Vegas!

So I am off to go back to bed. My heating pad and I have a date with season six of Everybody loves Raymond!
Take care.